That's all there is,
nothing more than you can feel,
now,
that's all there is.




CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR PAIN
Cancer of the mind, cancer of the soul.
Multiple beatings have taken their toll.
Early to bed, early to rise,
is more painful than I would surmise.

Bloodied and bruised by cold light of day,
a man can't live without something to say.
Early to bed, early to rise,
keeps me from wanting to sever the ties.

Cancer of the body, cancer of the heart.
Saw all this coming, but not from the start.
Early to bed, early to rise,
leaves more time open for me to despise.

Beaten and broken at every last turn,
enough oil behind with which to burn.
Early to bed, early to rise,
overworks a man until he dies.

The Ballad of Skyler and Tamara:

 

HentaiMcToonboob: so i want to make a post across all wavelengths that surmises our entire relationship up to this point

TMaraReX: i think you mean summarizes, but I can't be sure.

HentaiMcToonboob: ...

HentaiMcToonboob: ...thinkin' you're right

TMaraReX: "thinkin'" you have your post right here.

_____
 

Last night I was made of fire.
Today I'm made of ash.

NOT MORE THAN DOS MINUTES L8R:

HentaiMcToonboob: shut up about it though

HentaiMcToonboob: sometimes i'm a total moron

TMaraReX: keep it up, short round. your post is just going to get more and more acurate.

i said to her
"believe me when
I tell you that the
sun shines only
for you"

she responded
"what a load to
shoulder..."

now i see the light
with its shadow
intact

things get lost
lost without a trace
in the middle of the chase

Sometimes, jail can't chain the cell
and the rain's too plain to tell
all alone by a barren well
scarecrow's only scarin' himself...

Gave her the truth, gave her the proof
I gave her everything




Well, doin' the last laundry of 2008 right now. Gettin' ready for this massive trip tomorrow. The sad part (to me) is that any pictures I take, stories I accumulate, people I meet, or things I see will never be discussed here. Having spent this month using LJ as a healing grounds for unchecked writing of... well, whatever I wanted to say, I have actually blogged the most I've blogged in years (consecutively/consistently). In doing so, not only have I found a refreshed interest in writing in general, but I feel I've opened up parts of myself I haven't seen in a few years, most notably since my final year of high school. But, since I hate LJ and its done for me what I needed it to do, I'm likely movin' back to Xanga. Or starting a new Xanga. Or going back to magmatic_equation, at Xanga, the one I started last summer. I don't know yet.

So, since I'm not going to be able to post tomorrow or the 31st (realistically, anyhow, since I'm not going to be near a computer either day, really. Although, I suppose I could wake up tomorrow and post before I leave. However, I find this to be working too hard at posting and I'm only interested in doing that to reach a goal. If I set the goal to be having this be the final major post that is well thought out before the new year and, thus, have it be the final post I do indeed make, posting tomorrow would serve no purpose other than to simply post and/or destroy the goal I'd set up previously. In short, this is the longest and most drawn-out inclusion of supplemental information I've stuck in the middle of a sentence via parentheses in a very, very long time. I'm sorry) this will have to do.

So what can be said about the year of 2008 that won't be utterly redundant and silly? Well, for starters, it was the year that I really learned what love is and what it meant to love someone else with every part of me. Maybe thats redundant. I learned what it meant to value one's own creative work. I learned to enjoy music to a deeper level. I learned how to play music again. And I lived.

Livin' - Lovin' - Learnin'

The three L's, I call 'em.

This is what I do. I simply "am". And although sometimes I feel like a fist, and sometimes I am the color of air... I'm simply here. And I'm being. I plan to continue to do this in 2009 and beyond.

So to you, unnamed and uninvited reader (unless its me reading this in the future, then its just uninvited but also uninteresting. Seriously, get a job!), I say this;

Live, dude.

You got it, that capability, that possibility, that reliability. To live.

I'm takin' chances next year. I'm skydiving. I'm going to take long trips places. I'm going to tell people truths I should have told them when I first realized them. I'm going to get into a knife fight (probably with a bear or somethin'). I'm going to write and care what people think of it. I'm going to do stupid things until the cows come home. I'm going to eat and sleep and play and sing and love and break and discover and enjoy and get revenge. I'm going to swim and dive.


I'm going to live.



Live with me, dude.

Live with me.

So long, 2008.
See you soon, 2009.


And goodbye to you, dear unnamed and uninvited reader. Sleep well and don't forget to check your closets for boogiemen. They'll find you. They'll find you.

She was a girl without a care
Now I've seen her with her organs cut out



"He built a cage from her bones."


THINGS OF NOTE:
Note 1: Turns out, you can't simply start running four miles after only being able to run half of one. I have learned a lesson this day.

Note 2: My insurance card came in the mail! Woohoo! Time to get drunk, swordfight a bear, and jump out of an airplane while on fire!

Note 3: Could not be more upset with Aaron Jaco for having too kickass a party to go to in a few days. The theme is "Cock/Tail party" and yes that's 100% accurate.

Note 4: Got to give these final Steve Wilson-mas presents away to some folk. Also gotta see some folk. Also gotta talk to one folk in particular about accidental things that have to do with both the heart and the mind.

Note 5: Not gonna finish this month out, afterall. After I leave Tuesday night for this party thing, I'm likely not going to be able to post on the 30th or the 31st. And, since I told myself I was going to wrap up this now trivial Livejournal posting at the end of the month/year, I guess that will make Tuesday's post the last one (maybe Wednesdays, as I might stick it out at home until then). At that point, I'm moving back to a real blogging site or not moving to any blogging site at all. LJ's distinct lack of features and abilities is pissin' me off somethin' royal and I'm havin' none of it!

Note 6: The film Defiance SUCKS! If I wanted to see a big steaming pile of overblown drama and crappy acting, little attention to plot, and an overall sense of shittiness, I'd watch a soap opera (which are usually better than this inane shite). Plus, it claims to be based on "a true story" and thats bullshit, I hope. These characters are idiots. IDIOTS! "Let's live in the wild and get revenge and then be mad when things don't work out for us!" Well, duh, fuckheads. Jesus. This ain't the stone ages you live in. People have machines and technology and - for the love of God - DOGS that can sniff you out. You're going to get found. If people did this shit in real life, they deserve what they got because, while I don't support the tragic situations they lived through, I do support morons getting punished for being morons when they shouldn't be. Worst pre-sceening I've ever seen.

Note 7: Gotta make Level 55 with Scabbies! w00t!

Note 8: I think you're awesome!

Note 9: Not as awesome as me, though.

Note 10:

I wish we'll be reborn
to a better world



Just sittin' here, thinkin' 'bout nothin'. Wishin' it was this time next week already and, at the same time, wishin' it was this time last week, too.




Not gonna be much to report, I'm thinkin', until after I'm back from this trip. Should be exciting.



Otherwise, keep it real, cool cats.

another year over
a new one's just begun






CHRISTMAS.


Otherwise, nothin' much left of this shit-stain that has become the end of 2008. Aside from the holidays, family, and so much good food, I have to say this: I'm lookin' forward to 2009 like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.




So. "What happens now?"


What happens now is, I take strides to accomplish life goals I should have been moving toward completing all year. I'm moving from complacency to depression to solace to complacency, again. As I was told before, the best part about being human is the ability to see the flaws of life and experience them, learn them, adapt to them, and make them work to your advantage from that point forward. I've learned and experienced and am now selecting to adapt. Now I can stop thinking the best course of action is to heal and I can simply be.

Being is about nothing. Nothing is about everything. Without it, there is no choice. And when there is no choice, there is simply... being.



Be.

The army got it right. Just be all you can be. If that means taking one for the team or taking one for yourself, doing anything outside of simply being is worth less than the energy/money/resources it takes to do it. Because its not being. Its trying.




And as Homer said: "Trying is the first step toward failure."


Two parts of a whole were destroyed this year and I've seen what happens to the part that attempts to "try" at being. Failure isn't pretty and I aim to steer clear of it.


Time, it seems, is always going to be my enemy. But perhaps the saying about keeping enemies close was right.





Maybe nothing will change or perhaps everything will.

she's got the money, yeah
but i've got the honey






Things brew, now, that should never have been considered in the first place.





Seems I'm going to take bigger steps than I'd previously thought toward happiness.



Seems I'm going to take the steps to begin with!


Yeeeks!

LET ME SAY THE FOLLOWING THING:




RAISING SAND IS AN AMAZING ALBUM!!!!!!

If you don't know how to love or you don't know how to make your world smile or you don't know how to make a soul dance.... buy this album.









What follows is a statement aimed at getting you to buy said album:


IT IS BETTER AT BEING A HERO THAN JOHN MCLAINE OR JACK BAUER!

Also: I hate both Tivo and Galaxy Cablevision

Where people love each other
greedy in love





Let me say this:



Luck - as it happens to turn out - is a marvelous thing.



You are doing something normal and, upon accident, you stumble upon tools and powers you never knew were at your disposal.

Seems now you have newfound interest in the normal, further abilities and functions with which to work with. It is a strange and fantastic thing that only previously existed in dreams. It is luck.



I love luck. I love it because I seem to be getting a lot of it as of late.

"Turns out I was in a Sharper Image.
Turns out I had a hard on.
Turns out? No one cared."

"You gotta deal with shit to be the shit, little dog."

also:

Me:
Makes me feel good to say nasty things about children.

Paul:
'specially to children.

Me:
Or their parents.

Paul:
Truth.

i think i've snapped.

yeah. no title. no song lyrics.






i am going to kill the next person that ticks me off.


murder.






try me.

well, pa is the hospital.





and its freezing cold out.



what a shitty way to end an otherwise mostly perfect year.



fuckin' shit.

I need your lovin' baby
like a shot through the head




So, the story goes, I'm on my way to bein' the best person ever.

Anyhow, wasn't until I really started talkin' to Aaron Jaco that I started usin' the apostrophe in place of the g on ing words. I always do, now. Both when I write and when I speak. A certain nameless individual (hint: Tamara) recently go on my case about usin' it too much. She said it made me sound silly and "hick-like" to which I had replied "We're in Nebraska. Nothing I do will make me sound any less hick-like" and, to be fair, it does make me sound silly. Especially if I use "ain't" and/or "couldn't've" or the like.

But it just goes to show that no matter what one does, its always going to be subject to scrutiny. I select when I'm going to use the ' instead of the g. Its not an "all-the-time" kinda deal. Just when I'm talkin' and writin' and I want to add that flavor, is all.


And, I suppose, the world just doesn't like it when we elect to do different things by choice, rather than by simply being. It seems to me that people would generally care less about any of the things I do if it was just how I was, inside, rather than a choice I made to be different or myself. But, then again, not believing in choice, I can't even back up my own statement with my support. So, really, I'm just wastin' space to punch holes in walls.


And, if nothing has ever taught me anything, punching holes in walls is the only way to get things done, to fill the holes in the floor. And, as they say, you know, filling the holes in the floor only ever serves to cover up the mistakes we made during construction.


I feel like I'm missin' a few nails, m'self.